- [roari ng]
[splatteri ng]
[bi rds ch i rpi ng]
- ''The g iants who formed th is world
''and now seem to l ive i n it i n chai ns
''are actual ly the ca use of its l ife
''and the sou rce of al l activity.
''But the chai ns are the cu n n i ng of weak and tame m i nds,
''th us the proverb,
'''The weak i n cou rage are strong i n cu n n i ng . '
''Th us the one portion of bei ng is the Prod ucer,
''the other, the Destroyer.
''To the Destroyer,
''it seems l i k e the Prod ucer is i n h is chai ns.
''But it is not so.
''He on ly tak es ti n y bits of eXistence
''and th i n ks it is the whole th i ng .
''These two classes of men are alwa ys u pon the earth ,
''and they shou ld be enem ies.
''Whoever tries to reconci le them
seeks to destroy eXistence. ''
- l don't wan na pla y th is game no more.
- Si lence.
Prepare for battle.
- l gotta pee.
- En garde, sh it stai n !
- Ow!
- Puss y!
- [gasps]
- l' l l g ive you ten seconds,
and then l' m com i ng i n after you .
l am the Destroyer!
l' m gon na get you , Peter!
Fig ht! l' m the Destroyer!
[cheerfu l accord ion mus ic]
[appla use]
- Welcome to The Feast with Peter G rey.
Today's feas t,
venison s teaks and a maple s yru p créme brú lée.
[sizzl i ng]
- These ven ison steaks are from Su l l ivan Cou nty
from a doe that l shot and butchered m yself.
- Ew, Peter! - What?
- That's--that's Bam bi .
Wah-wah-wah .
[la ug hter]
- Come on , Peg .
l mean , h u nti ng is one
of the most fu ndamental ly h u man acts.
We've been doi ng it for thousands of years.
- lt's g ross.
[la ug hter]
- lt's, u h . . .
it is organ ic.
lt is sustai nable.
l mean , if you want g ross,
spend five m i n utes on the ki l l floor
of an y com mercial sla ug hterhouse.
l' m su re that you' l l never eat su permark et meat agai n .
- When we come back, The Feas t conti n ues with--
- With créme brú lée
made from local ly harvested maple s yru p.
Don't go awa y.
[appla use]
- l mean , l real ly can't tak e an y more of th is.
l can't. He's not worki ng with me at al l .
- l don't know what-- he's u nder a lot of stress.
- What the fuck was that al l about?
- What?
- l was riffi ng i n there, asshole.
- Riffi ng? [la ug hs]
- Tel l h i m what they said .
- Tel l me what?
- Peter, wou ld it ki l l you to j ust pla y along
every once i n a wh i le?
- No, tel l h i m what they said . - Bam bi?
You thoug ht that was h ysterical .
- No, it was a jok e.
The a ud ience was rol l i ng i n the aisles.
- lt was fucki ng id iotic.
That's what it was.
- l can't work with th is asshole.
- l' m sorry. l' m sorry.
Than k you .
- l wou ld n't cal l what you do work.
The on ly th i ng m issi ng from her is a fart i n a kazoo.
- N ice. That's hel pfu l .
- J ust get another one, Ph i l . They' re a d i me a dozen .
- [sig hs]
- lt's j ust not worki ng an ymore.
- Look, Peter, Peter,
you knew what you were getti ng i nto
when you sig ned u p for th is.
You do the cooki ng .
Peg provides a touch of fol ks y levity.
- But she goes too far.
l mean , everyth i ng is a jok e, Ph i l .
- That's what the a ud ience wants.
- Wel l , it's not what l want.
lt's not what the show was su pposed to be.
l mean , l wou ld l i k e people to learn someth i ng .
- No, ah , ah .
They don't want to learn someth i ng , Peter.
They want to be entertai ned .
You used to u nderstand that, but you've changed .
- Wel l , now here it starts.
- The on-ai r rants, the pom pous lectu res.
lt's rati ngs poison , man .
- l don't care about the rati ngs.
Don't tal k to me about the rati ngs !
- Oka y, oka y.
You know what?
The word from the front office
is that than ks to a major d i p i n those rati ngs
wh ich you care so l ittle about,
they are most l i k ely not renewi ng
The Feas t with Peter Grey for the fal l .
- You can't be serious.
- l' m dead serious.
Cong ratu lations, M r. l nteg rity.
[drama tic percuss ive mus ic]
♪ ♪
[d ishes cl i n ki ng]
- Hey, al l .
What's the matter?
What's goi ng on?
Come on , we have d i n ner i n less than two hou rs.
Chop ! Chop !
What the hel l is goi ng on?
Where is everybod y?
[sig hs]
''Feast reviewed b y J .T. Fran ks.
''l've lost cou nt
''of the Al ice Waters-i nspi red New Americans
''that l've reviewed i n the West Vi l lage,
''al l of them terri ble.
''Peter G rey's eXercise
''i n mastu rbatory pretentiousness, Feast,
has done noth i ng to u p the average. ''
- Go on .
- ''Man y of you know Peter G rey for h is i nsufferable
''and i ncreasi ng ly ski n-crawl i ng ly awkward
''sustai nable-organo-themed
''cable television series, The Feas t With Peter Grey,
''wh ich , ru mor has it,
''is teeteri ng on the bri n k of cancel lation .
''The city's d i ners
''shou ld be consideri ng themselves fortu nate
if the same fate befal ls th is d ud of a resta u rant. ''
Oh , fuck Fran ks.
- Fuck Fran ks?
- He creates noth i ng .
- Dude, he creates pu bl ic opi n ion ,
ergo, he creates everyth i ng .
- Gordon , he's a fucki ng food blogger.
- You j ust don't get it.
lt's a fucki ng d isaster.
ls it true?
- ls what true?
- About the show bei ng cancel led?
- Wel l , what if it was?
l've been wanti ng to focus more on m y cooki ng an ywa y.
- Focus on you r cooki ng?
Are you fucki ng kidd i ng me?
Bi l l Ha ythe j ust cal led .
They've decided to put the eXpansion plans on hold ,
wh ich means they' re dead .
Ditto with the l i ne of Peter G rey cookware.
Dude, without you r TV face goi ng on the screen every da y,
you have fucki ng noth i ng .
There's no cooki ng to focus on .
- Th is is i nsan ity, Gordon .
We were j ust getti ng started .
- Peter, let me g ive you a l ittle advice here.
Th is whole organ ic, sustai nable, g reen shtick,
it's a down econom y.
People don't g ive a dam n where thei r ham bu rger comes from
or how it got to them .
They j ust want it to taste good .
- So what now?
- The sous-chef from Marlow and Sons
is gon na be i n th is afternoon .
He's taki ng over the kitchen .
- l' m fi red?
- M y hands are tied .
- Gordon , th is is m y l ife.
- Dude, you' re a talented g u y,
a l ittle pretentious-- scratch that.
You' re a lot pretentious.
l ag ree with Fran ks on that one.
An ywa y, you' l l land on you r feet.
♪ ♪
- [h uffs]
[ solemn piano mus ic]
♪ ♪
[kn ife choppi ng]
[sizzl i ng]
[fai nt screami ng]
- l am the Destroyer!
l' m gon na get you , Peter!
l am the Destroyer!
- [yel ps]
No ! Stop ! No !
l've real ly h u rt m y an kle.
Joh n n y, stop, come on .
- Si lence !
[g ru nts]
- [gasps]
cru nch !
- [coug hs]
[choki ng]
[gagg i ng]
[gasps]
[gagg i ng]
[electronic mus ic]
- ♪ l'd give you ♪
♪ the ocean ♪
♪ l'd give you the s ky ♪
♪ if l cou ld ♪
♪ ♪
♪ l'd pus h it all back ♪
♪ between the s idewalk cracks of your neigh borhood ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Neigh borhood ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Sold iers of mis fortu ne ♪
♪ ♪
♪ F igh t for someth i ng they can 't see ♪
- How is everyth i ng?
- Pardon?
- Do you , u h , need an yth i ng else?
- l'd love a l ittle joy.
- EXcuse me?
- Ma ybe a bowl or a d ish , a plate,
a troug h of joy wou ld be wonderfu l .
- l . . . l don't u nderstand .
- l know.
[sig hs]
Can l get the-- can l get the check, please?
- ''Of al l the items offered on the men u at Le Suc,
''they left off the on ly one l wou ld order
''if ever l paid a retu rn visit.
''That item wou ld be a ti me mach i ne,
''with wh ich l wou ld go back
''to recaptu re the hou r and seven m i n utes
''Chef Dan iel Berlow pi lfered from me
on m y fi rst visit. ''
Another scath i ng review. How n ice.
- Pu bl ic demands raw meat.
l j ust g ive it to them .
- ''l learned that ' Le Suc' means 'j u ice, '
''so l can't sa y the eXperience was an enti re wash .
''As for the food , one word :
vom itus. ''
Vom itus?
ls that even a word?
- Yep.
- How can you write th is sh it?
- J ust pla yi ng m y role, babe.
- And what role wou ld that be?
- The l ron Shei k.
- The who?
- The l ron Shei k, professional wrestl i ng .
He's the vi l lai n .
He's the g u y who k eeps Sergeant Sla ug hter i n check,
lest the pu bl ic get restless.
- l see.
Whatever happened to you r novel?
You know, the one. . .
- Yeah , l remem ber the one.
- l thoug ht it was good .
- lt was sh it.
- l g uess l' m gon na h it the ha y.
l got to be there early tomorrow, so. . .
- Oka y.
- l' l l be at Sai nt Lu k e's-Roosevelt.
l left the n u m ber on the fridge.
- M m-h m m .
- When they g ive me a room ,
l' l l cal l and g ive you the d i rect l i ne, al l rig ht?
l wish you were com i ng with me.
- l don't l i k e hospitals.
- l know. l j ust--
- Hey, l' m on a dead l i ne.
l' l l be there to pick you u p.
[water ru n n i ng]
What?
Are you ever goi ng to look for a job, b y the wa y?
'Ca use you spend a lot of ti me
j ust stand i ng arou nd the apartment i n you r u nderwear
looki ng at me l i k e that,
ki nd of hang i ng out over m y shou lder.
- Do you even want another ch i ld?
- Jesus Ch rist.
- l need to hear you sa y it.
Beca use if you th i n k
that l enjoy goi ng i n for these treatments,
al l the poki ng and prodd i ng and--
- Then don't.
Don't.
- You don't mean that.
- Real ly?
- What is wrong with you?
You've become so mean .
- Yeah , wel l . . .
sh it happens.
And then you r kid d ies of cancer.
- Stop !
Look at me !
l said , look at me !
l am so sick of th is poor, bitter asshole routi ne.
We' re starti ng over rig ht now, you and me.
We' re starti ng over, j ust yes or no.
J ust ans-- j ust answer me, oka y?
- l--l had--
l had th is moment j ust a few m i n utes ago.
l was watch i ng you pack,
and you were putti ng al l you r stuff i n ,
and l cou ld n't hel p but th i n ki ng
that if you took that bag
and you wal k ed out the door tomorrow
and you never came back
that it wou ld wei rd ly be the eXact same th i ng
as if you d id come back.
l-l don't-- l don't care.
Live, d ie, sta y, go,
l don't g ive a sh it an ymore.
Th i n k about that.
[k eys clacki ng]
[sn iffs]
[sig hs]
[k eys clacki ng]
Oka y.
[aXe choppi ng]
[rattl i ng]
[zi pper zi ps]
Hel lo?
[g roans]
Hel lo?
[metal l ic clang i ng]
[ti res sq ueal i ng softly]
[g ru nts]
[sem itruck eng i ne ru m bl i ng]
[door sq ueaks open]
- Good morn i ng , M r. Fran ks.
[chai ns rattl i ng]
- [g roans and coug hs]
- Th i rsty?
Water,
u n iversal solvent,
el iXi r of l ife.
Th ree weeks without food
but on ly th ree da ys without water.
- Th is is about m y review?
Th is is about m y fucki ng review?
- For now, you wi l l fetch you r own water.
- [la ug h i ng] Th is is i nsan ity.
You real ize that th is is absol ute fucki ng i nsan ity,
rig ht?
- You wi l l fi l l the buck et.
You wi l l carry the buck et back to you r tree.
And then , and on ly then , you ma y d ri n k.
- M y site gets 40, 000 h its a da y.
Don't you th i n k that somebod y's gon na notice that l' m m issi ng?
- lf you break the ru les, you' l l get noth i ng .
ls that clear?
l said , is that clear?
clang !
[g roans]
- Ah , fuck!
Ah , fuck!
Hel p !
Fuck.
[g roans]
Fuck!
[coug h i ng]
- M r. Fran ks, no one can hear you .
[g u nshots]
- Hel p !
- Fuck!
- Hel p ! - Hel p !
- [coug h i ng]
- l' m not su re if we' re i n the m idd le of nowhere,
but l feel we' re q u ite close to it.
[g u nshot]
Ru les, M r. Fran ks.
Ru les.
Not a d rop ti l l we get back.
Fi l l the buck et.
Em pty the buck et.
- Fuck off.
[g ru nts]
Fuck.
Ah , fuck.
- Pick it u p.
- [g roans]
[chai ns rattl i ng]
- We' l l try agai n tomorrow.
Perhaps a n ig ht u nder the stars wi l l clear you r m i nd .
- Oka y, wait! Wait, wait, wait!
Wait! Wait!
Wait, G rey!
You fuck er, wait!
[sobbi ng]
Hel p !
[g u l pi ng]
[gaspi ng]
[coug h i ng]
[footsteps tappi ng]
- Phase one of you r rehabi l itation
was i nsti l l i ng i n you a respect for the ru les,
wh ich l th i n k we can both ag ree you've fi nal ly acq u i red .
- Look. What do you want?
l have money.
- Phase two i nvolves em path y,
teach i ng you to care.
- Oka y, l swear to God ,
l wi l l not breathe a word of th is to an yone.
lf you j ust let me go, l' l l mak e someth i ng u p.
l' l l sa y--
- As a critic,
you have no emotional con nection to you r work,
so l suspect that th is part
wi l l be sl ig htly more chal leng i ng for you .
- For the love of Ch rist, man .
- [clears th roat]
Let's see.
''Septem ber 25, 200 7.
''Over Eas y, reviewed b y J .T. Fran ks.
''The preteXt of Over Eas y is si m ple:
''breakfast you r wa y, al l da y.
''lf the wretched , scabb y mess of egg yol k and charred wh ite
''that the kitchen brai n trust at Over Eas y
''recently tried to pass off as breakfast m y wa y, al l da y,
''then perhaps they shou ld d rop the ' Eas y'
''and si m ply refer to th is wretched Wi l l iamsbu rg newcomer
as 'Over. '''
How do you l i k e you r eggs?
- What?
- l said , how do you l i k e you r eggs?
- Over eas y.
- EXcel lent.
You ma y eat as man y eggs as you l i k e,
as long as you cook them to perfection ,
over eas y.
No ru n n y yel lows.
lf you deviate from perfection ,
there wi l l be conseq uences.
- What about m y hands?
- What about them?
- [la ug hs]
l can't cook l i k e th is.
- Then you don't eat.
Wel l?
- [g roan i ng]
[butter sizzl i ng]
- Oh , dear.
That's too bad .
[pan clangs]
- [screams]
- l was very clear, very clear, M r. Fran ks.
Over eas y.
No ru n n y yel lows.
- [scream i ng]
- You brok e the yol k!
You brok e the yel low!
Now for m y review.
J .T. Fran ks is a worth less cu nt who doesn't deserve to l ive.
The end .
- [yel ls]
[wh i m pers]
[cheerfu l accord ion mus ic]
♪ ♪
[appla use]
- Welcome back to The Feast with Peter G rey.
Today's feas t, rai nbow trout with a pota to fritta ta.
- Th is trout comes to us from Su ll ivan Cou nty,
from Roscoe, New York,
wh ich our local anglers l ike to refer to as Trout Town, U S A.
The butter l picked u p
a t a local farmer's market i n Liv i ngs ton.
Now, you jus t have to look a t tha t creamy, rich color.
Beautifu l.
Now to our fritta ta.
We're gonna let th is go for another mi nute.
The egg.
- [scream i ng]
- You know, the egg is real ly a perfect food ,
pack ed with protei n , vitam i ns, omega-3 fatty acids.
- Cholesterol .
[la ug hter]
- Th is egg comes from Honey H i l l Farms,
wh ich is j ust about an hou r or so
u p the H udson River.
Now come i n .
As you can see,
look at that bea utifu l , deep, rich , golden color.
Real ly eXceptional .
- Looks l i k e a reg u lar old egg to me.
[la ug hter]
- Peg , ma ybe you cou ld mak e you rself usefu l
and d ice those potatoes.
Now, a frittata is essential ly an ltal ian-style omelet,
wh ich , if l can j ust. . .
An ltal ian-style omelet. . .
- Looki ng for th is?
[la ug hter]
- Wel l--oh !
- Oh , oh , oh-oh !
You r frittata has spi l l-ata !
[la ug hter]
- M r. G rey?
M r. G rey!
- Oh , not toda y.
- Bi l l Coley, private i nvestigator.
Sorry to bother you .
l' m j ust fol lowi ng u p on a m issi ng persons.
Do you know h i m?
- J .T. Fran ks.
- You ever met h i m?
- Can't sa y l have.
- He wrote a nasty review of you r resta u rant.
- J .T. Fran ks writes nasty reviews
of every resta u rant i n th is town .
Nasti ness is h is métier.
- Wel l , he seemed to reserve an especial ly toXic d isdai n
for you , thoug h .
- l wou ld n't know.
- Wel l , he com pared you r ven ison bu rger
to a vasectom y scar.
- [la ug hs] Wel l , he has a wa y with words.
l m ust ad m it,
l la ug hed at that one when l read it m yself.
- Now, h is review,
wou ld that have an yth i ng to do with you r abru pt departu re
as head chef at Feast?
- M y departu re has been i n the works for some ti me.
- Doi ng a l ittle off-road i ng there, M r. G rey?
- l have a house i n the cou ntry.
- Oh , yeah? Where?
- Am l a person of i nterest, M r. Coley?
- Ah . No, no, no, no.
That-that-that's cop tal k.
Me?
l' m j ust fol lowi ng u p on a m issi ng persons.
lf you th i n k of an yth i ng , g ive me a cal l .
[telev is ion anchor s peaki ng i nd is ti nctly]
- Authorities say there has been l ittle progress
i n the case of miss i ng food critic J. T. Franks.
For more on th is developi ng s tory,
we go to News 3's Mel issa Sanche z.
- Ka theri ne Franks,
the wife of miss i ng food critic J. T. Franks,
made an emotional telev ised appeal today
for any i nforma tion on her hus band's whereabouts.
Can you tell us where the pol ice are righ t now
i n th is i nves tiga tion ?
- We're as ki ng anyone who migh t have seen h i m
to please come forward
and to contact your local law enforcement.
- And is there anyth i ng
you wou ld l ike to say to your hus band
if he's wa tch i ng th is ?
- J i mmy, if you're wa tch i ng th is,
please. . .
Please, know tha t l'm here
and all l want to know is tha t you're safe.
- Franks was las t seen
leav i ng the midtown offices of Gas tropu nks. com
on April 1 9th.
Anyone with i nforma tion
is as ked to call the phone nu mber on your screen.
- Wak e u p !
[electron ic zappi ng , scream i ng]
Wak e u p ! Wak e u p !
We've got the d i n ner rush !
Wak e u p !
- [screams] - Wak e u p !
Fi re those entrees !
- [screams]
- Fi re those entrees !
Good afternoon , M r. Fran ks.
- Oka y.
You've made you r poi nt.
Look,
l' m a d ick.
l u nderstand that now.
l-l write these th i ngs
without th i n ki ng about the conseq uences
for people l i k e you ,
and it's j ust beca use l hate m yself,
and l' m sorry.
[stutteri ng] Do you hear me?
l' m sorry.
- Oh , m y dear sweet Jesus, is that good .
- Listen . Listen to me.
J ust look at me.
What do you want me to sa y?
- Do you l i k e steak, M r. Fran ks?
- l've learned m y lesson . What do you want?
- Do you l i k e steak, M r. Fran ks?
- [wh i m pers]
- Do you l i k e steak, M r. Fran ks?
- Yes !
- Wel l , you m ig ht be i nterested to know
that th is steak comes from a local farm ,
pastu re-raised , g rass-fed ,
no d rugs, no hormones.
The flavor is su bl i me.
How do you tak e you rs?
- Med i u m rare.
- You don't sa y.
''J u ne 2 4, 2008.
Black and Bl ue, reviewed b y J .T. Fran ks. ''
- Not agai n .
- ''What is it about med i u m rare
that the city's chefs fi nd so d ifficu lt to eXecute?''
- What the fuck do you want from me?
- ''Season with salt and pepper,
''3 1 /2 m i n utes on the g ri l l ,
''fl i p and repeat.
A mon k ey cou ld do it, rig ht?''
Wel l , cal l i ng al l mon k eys.
H u ng ry?
Wel l , tel l you what.
l have another of these babies
rig ht here i n the cooler.
Toss it on the g ri l l .
Cook it j ust rig ht, med i u m rare,
not a flea fart hotter or cooler.
lf you can manage that,
then the steak is you rs.
l g rew u p i n these woods, M r. Fran ks,
me and m y big brother, Joh n n y.
Joh n n y was ki nd of a random ly cruel kid ,
the type that wou ld pu l l the h i nd legs off a rat
and put it i n a boX with a bl i nd cat,
j ust to see what wou ld happen , l su ppose.
He d id th i ngs to me too,
mean , nasty th i ngs.
One da y, he pushed me too far.
lt's amazi ng the ki nd of rage
that can bu i ld u p i n a smal l ch i ld .
l d ug h is g rave with m y bare hands,
covered h is bod y with leaves and d i rt.
No one ever look ed twice at it.
lt was hard on m y parents,
never knowi ng what happened to thei r boy,
whether he was dead or al ive.
But eventual ly, man y years later, they d ied ,
and with them , the pai n was resolved .
There are two classes of men i n th is world ,
M r. Fran ks.
One who create
and add someth i ng to the col lective h u man eXperience.
And those who destroy,
who l u rk i n the shadows and wait for saps l i k e me
to come along to pu nch m yself out
and col lapse
so they can pok e me with sticks
u nti l l beg for mercy.
There wi l l alwa ys be these two classes of men ,
and they shou ld be enem ies.
He who seeks to u n ite them ,
seeks to destroy eXistence.
And you r steak is overcook ed .
- [wh isperi ng] Wh y?
- What?
- Wh y?
- What, M r. Fran ks?
l can't hear you .
lf you' re goi ng to speak, then speak u p !
- [yel ls]
- Ah !
[screams]
- [la ug hs]
- That's rig ht, M r. Fran ks.
That's rig ht.
After al l , we' re j ust an i mals.
There wi l l be a special reward for you after th is.
- [la ug h i ng]
al l : For he's a jol ly good fel low
For he's a jol ly good fel low
wh ich nobod y can den y
- Whoo ! - Bravo.
Ah , l isten , they sa y-- they sa y that al l good th i ngs
m ust come to an end ,
and despite al l the headaches,
th is show was very good i ndeed .
- Too good .
Too good , absol utely.
To Peter and Peg .
We d id n't alwa ys see eye to eye,
but there's nobod y l respect more.
Sal ute. Sal ute.
- Cheers. - Cheers, g u ys.
- Than ks. Wel l done, wel l done.
- [h u m m i ng]
- What are you doi ng i n here?
- The door was open .
You know, l had to wear mak eu p once,
back i n m y cop da ys.
Did th is, u h , pu bl ic service an nou ncement,
l ittle th i ng on domestic violence.
- l' m sorry, M r. Coley?
ls there someth i ng that l can hel p you with?
- There's no need to be rude, M r. G rey.
- l' m sorry.
lt's j ust that l have an i m portant meeti ng
l have to attend .
- Oh , real ly?
'Ca use it seemed to me
that you are on a bit of a losi ng streak,
you know, what with the resta u rant and the show.
- That wh ich does not ki l l me on ly mak es me stronger.
- Wel l , you m ust be pretty dam n strong at th is poi nt.
[ch uckles]
What happened to you r hand?
- l bu rned it.
- M m .
So l've been doi ng a l ittle d igg i ng .
lt's a terri ble traged y with you r brother.
Yeah , i n that regard ,
you and J .T. Fran ks have a lot i n com mon .
- Oh?
- Yeah , h is son d ied two years ago.
Leu k em ia.
- Wel l , that's a very sad story.
l d id n't even know he had a wife.
- Yeah , a real n ice lad y.
lt's a fu n n y th i ng , thoug h .
She's convi nced that Fran ks has ru n off,
you know, that he doesn't want to be fou nd .
l mean , l don't bel ieve it.
See, l got these su perh u man nostri ls.
l can smel l bu l lsh it a m i le off.
How'd you bu rn you r hand?
- Cooki ng .
- Cooki ng what?
- Soufflé.
- What ki nd? - Cheese.
- Was it good?
- Del icious.
- Oka y.
You . . .
you tak e care of that hand .
Looks serious.
[drama tic orches tral mus ic]
[ti res sq ueal , horns hon ki ng]
[eng i ne tu rns over]
♪ ♪
[door sq ueaks]
[ch uckles softly]
- Cheese soufflé, M r. G rey.
[ch uckles]
- [cries fai ntly]
[m uffled moan i ng]
- [strai n i ng]
- [yel ls]
[scream i ng]
- lt's oka y. lt's oka y.
l' m gon na hel p you .
l' m gon na get you out of here.
Gon na get you out of here.
l need someth i ng for that chai n .
l' l l be rig ht back. l prom ise.
- No ! No, no, no, no !
[grass rus tles]
[blows land i ng]
- Hel lo?
No !
[scream i ng]
- He's dead . He's dead .
- [la ug h i ng]
Go on , you fucki ng coward .
Coward .
[la ug hs]
Come on !
- No one can save you now, M r. Fran ks.
[door slams sh ut]
[g u nshot blast]
[loud cleavi ng]
[melancholy piano m usic]
♫
[sizzl i ng]
- [sig hs]
Open raviolo with wi ld rabbit
and red m u l berry ragout and . . .
open raviolo with wi ld rabbit
and red m u l berry ragout.
Ma y 1 9, 2009.
''Feast reviewed b y J .T. Fran ks. ''
[la ug hs] Who am l kidd i ng?
l don't need the paper to remem ber th is one.
''Si l ly.
''That's the on ly word that cou ld characterize
''Peter G rey's open raviolo with wi ld rabbit
''and red m u l berry ragout.
''How else to descri be a d ish
''wh ich boasts a rabbit ragout sweetened with the very berries
''wh ich said rabbit feasted on
''as a happ y creatu re i n the wi ld .
''l was left wonderi ng
''what horri ble si n d id M r. Bu n n y com m it
''that he shou ld have to suffer
'' such a twisted and Dante-esq ue fate.
''And who does Peter G rey th i n k wou ld actual ly bel ieve
''such cu l i nary balderdash?
''Note to Peter G rey:
''J .T. Fran ks knows frozen Ch i lean m u l berries
when he tastes them . ''
Two preparations, identical i n every wa y
eXcept that with one, l have su bstituted
Atropa belladonna, or dead ly n ig htshade,
for the red m u l berries.
Consu m ption of two to five bel ladon na
b y a ch i ld is lethal .
For an ad u lt, 1 0 to 20.
With that i n m i nd ,
you ma y sam ple one bite from each plate
to ascertai n wh ich has the m u l berries
and wh ich the bel ladon na.
You wi l l then consu me i n its enti rety
the d ish of you r choice.
There's a th i rd option .
lf you l i k e, you can decl i ne th is chal lenge.
You can elect neither plate,
i n wh ich case you' l l eat noth i ng .
ls that clear?
- M m-h m m .
- Bon appétit.
- [g roans]
[sig hs]
- Ah .
Cleanse the palate.
- [g u l pi ng]
[swish i ng]
[sig hs]
- Oh , come on , M r. Fran ks.
A tastemak er as form idable as you rself,
th is shou ld be a wal k i n the park.
- [g roans]
That one's the m u l berry.
- Very wel l .
Do you wish to proceed?
- Yes.
- Dig i n .
[breath i ng and chewi ng loud ly]
- [g roans]
- [la ug h i ng]
[appla ud i ng]
[la ug hter]
[sig hs]
Now we wait.
Are you feel i ng a l ittle wheezy, M r. Fran ks?
- [belches]
[coug h i ng]
- A l ittle shortness of breath .
Ai r passages constricti ng .
- [gaspi ng]
- l wou ld i mag i ne. . .
you r vision's getti ng bl u rry now.
- [gaspi ng and coug h i ng]
- Hard to bel ieve
that tastebuds so form idable they cou ld
d iscern the d ifference between local and i m ported m u l berries
wou ld m iss someth i ng so obvious
as bel ladon na
u n less of cou rse you are com pletely fu l l of sh it.
- [screams]
- And now for m y review.
- Oh , God .
- J .T. Fran ks, self-appoi nted a uthority
on good taste d ied toda y
beca use h is tastebuds were so atroph ied
that he cou ld not taste the d ifference
between sh it and sh i nola.
The end .
- [coug h i ng]
And now for m y review.
[la ug h i ng]
Pasta overcook ed .
[la ug h i ng]
Ragout sou r.
[coug h i ng]
Poor l ittle rabbit.
Peter G rey, cu l i nary h uckster,
th i rd fucki ng rate.
Now and forever.
[la ug hter]
- Do you know what th is is?
Pi locarpi ne.
- [g roans]
- lt's the fucki ng antidote.
Do you th i n k l wou ld let you off that easi ly?
- [raspi ng and gaspi ng]
[gaspi ng]
[l i ne ri ngi ng]
- Hi, th is is B ill Coley, priva te i nves tiga tor.
Leave a message, and l'll get back to you.
[electronic beep]
- H i , M r. Coley, th is is Katheri ne Fran ks here.
U m , l g uess l' m j ust checki ng i n .
l d id n't hear from you toda y,
so l' m j ust wonderi ng where we are with everyth i ng .
l g uess j ust cal l me when you get th is.
Oka y, b ye.
[water ru n n i ng]
[rattl i ng]
- [yell i ng]
[thu mpi ng]
[ mechanical cl icki ng]
[ wa ter ru nni ng]
[door slowly creaki ng]
- [wh i m pers]
- l' m so sorry.
- [m u m bl i ng]
Where are we?
- l' m so sorry.
l' m so fucki ng sorry.
- [coug h i ng]
- G et back. J ust breathe.
[door bangs open]
- Lad ies and gentlemen ,
welcome back to another episode of
Cook For Your Life with J. T. Franks!
- Fuck you !
- J .T. Fran ks, you have come q u ite a long wa y,
despite a few bu m ps and bru ises,
but l su ppose that's to be eXpected
i n an y budd i ng you ng chef.
[la ug hs]
And here we have you r lovely assistant,
you r lovely sidekick.
- Hey! Hey!
- A sidekick,
wh ich l real ly--
l real ly th i n k it's j ust what the show needed ,
the i ncessant patter, the banal jok es.
Wou ld n't you ag ree?
- You fuck er!
- Wou ld n't you ag ree, M r. Fran ks,
that th is is what the a ud ience wanted?
- Come here !
- You know, l have someth i ng very special
plan ned for you later, very special ,
and l real ly th i n k you' re goi ng to love it.
- Don't fucki ng look at h i m !
- M r. Fran ks?
- What?
- l th i n k you shou ld conserve you r energ y.
- G et the fuck out of here.
- You' re goi ng to need it.
l' l l be doi ng the cooki ng ton ig ht.
[door s lams s hut]
- You gotta j ust leave her out of it.
Look.
Fuck.
You th i n k l ru i ned you r career?
That's fi ne.
J ust fucki ng do whatever you want to me.
l don't g ive a sh it.
You j ust have to leave her out of it.
- Precisely, M r. Fran ks.
lt seems that no matter what l do to you now,
you j ust don't care an ymore. . .
[sig hs]
Wh ich doesn't hel p me an y.
Actual ly, it occu rs to me that you real ly want to d ie.
Ergo, l can't j ust ki l l you ; otherwise you wi n .
You see m y d i lem ma.
But you wanted to l ive a few da ys ago.
l eXpect you r wife wi l l be the same wa y.
So l won't be tel l i ng her at fi rst
what she's been eati ng .
l' l l k eep it seasonal , sustai nable.
l don't know, ma ybe a crown roast
or barbecued ri bs with a savory maple g laze.
You do look a l ittle stri ng y,
perhaps braisi ng m ig ht be the best.
Hel l , l m ig ht even sam ple a l ittle bit m yself.
B y the tree there, M r. Fran ks, b y the tree.
Yes.
Tu rn arou nd , please.
Tu rn arou nd .
Al l rig ht, let's see those hands.
U p.
There we go.
Al l rig ht.
You have. . .
th ree m i n utes starti ng now,
and then l' m com i ng after you .
- l haven't got a chance.
- Probably not.
- But you have less than an hou r of da yl ig ht,
so l suggest you get at it.
[drama tic percuss ive mus ic]
♪ ♪
- [sobbi ng]
[gagg i ng]
- [g roans]
[water splash i ng]
[g roans]
- [cryi ng]
[gasps]
[ropes creaki ng]
- [panti ng]
[coug hs]
[sticks snappi ng]
[g u nshot]
- [moan i ng]
[sobbi ng]
[l i ne ri ngi ng]
- 9 1 1 . Wha t is your emergency?
- l've been kid napped . M y name's Katheri ne.
l've been kid napped .
M y name is Katheri ne Fran ks.
- Wha t is your e xact loca tion ?
- l don't know. l don't know.
lt's i n the cou ntry somewhere.
[gasps]
- Are there any identify i ng land marks ?
[footsteps tappi ng , floorboards creaki ng]
Ma 'am ?
Ma 'am, are you s till there?
Are you s till there?
- [gaspi ng]
[scream i ng]
- lt's me ! lt's me !
[sh ush i ng]
Hey, it's me ! lt's me !
Hey! Hey, hey, hey.
lt's oka y.
[sh ushes]
We have to go get the car.
- No.
- Yes, we do.
We are i n the m idd le of nowhere.
We have to go get the fucki ng car.
Oka y?
Come on .
Fuck.
- [wh isperi ng i nd isti nctly]
- We have to go back i nside.
- No. No, we don't.
Let's ru n . No, we can't.
- We have to get the k eys.
We have to get the k eys.
We are gon na get out of here fi ne, oka y?
Trust me.
[floorboards creaki ng]
[sh ushes]
[floorboards creaki ng]
[eng i ne tu rns over]
[g u nshot]
- [scream i ng]
[metal cru nches]
[sobbi ng]
Please, no. No, no, no.
[sobbi ng]
[scream i ng]
[g u nshot]
[screams]
[g u nshot]
[wh i m peri ng]
[sobbi ng]
- Oh , dear.
l am the Destroyer.
- [screams]
- [gagg i ng]
[stark piano m usic]
♫
[electronic mus ic]
- ♪ l'd give you ♪
♪ the ocean ♪
♪ l'd give you the s ky ♪
♪ if l cou ld ♪
♪ ♪
♪ l'd pus h it all back ♪
♪ between the s idewalk cracks of your neigh borhood ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Neigh borhood ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You'll go somewhere ♪
♪ Somewhere ♪
♪ l'll fi nd you there ♪
Somewhere ♪
♪ You'll go somewhere ♪
♪ Somewhere ♪
♪ l'll fi nd you there ♪
♪ Somewhere ♪
♪ Sold iers of mis fortu ne ♪